How to improve a sexless marriage…

Posted: March 24, 2011 in Ministry

I have the privilege of ministering to many people in the congregation where I work and also in the community with marital and pre-marital counseling.  An expert at it, I am not.  A perfect marriage, I do not have, and being a perfect husband, I am not.   But that does not negate that I have a desire, passion, longing to make my marriage the best that it can be…and be the husband that my wife and family needs.  I am continually scanning blogs, articles, and  emails (and  books) on ideas, tips, thoughts on improving marital relationships.  There is much out there to read on both the secular and the Christian sides.  Personally I do not count out either side…(though I gravitate to the Christian side), but there is much to learn from the secular research that is going on right now.

Below is an article that I gleaned from  Josh Hunt’s blog “What divorce taught us about marriage“.  This is a new blog, and is very insightful…for those contemplating divorce, those that are divorced, and for those of us that are married and want to create a better marriage.

Take a few moments and read the thoughts below…

Sex won’t solve all of your marital problems, but it will certainly help. The simple act of having sex—even when you’re not in the mood—harnesses your body’s brain chemistry, unleashing the chemicals vasopressin and oxytocin. These are powerful bonding chemicals. In studies of monogamous mice, just injecting a male mouse with vasopressin made him more attentive to a female mouse, even though he hadn’t actually mated with her.

Experts tell low-desire couples to have sex even if they don’t want to. After about five minutes of going through the motions, sexual activity will release the bonding chemicals and you are likely to even start enjoying yourself.

This is difficult advice to follow for many couples once they’ve allowed their sex lives to wane. A woman wrote to me once and told me her marriage became sexless after she had children. She was the one who had lost interest, and the couple had begun discussing divorce. A marriage counselor told her sternly that if she wanted to save her marriage, she needed to start having sex twice a week whether she wanted to or not.

“I hated this advice,” she says. “What about my needs? But I followed it anyway. I forced myself, and you know what? I loved it, he loved it, and our marriage loved it.”

For couples who are struggling to reignite their sex life, experts have several suggestions. It may just be that you need time away from kids and work stress—scheduling a regular date night might be the answer. Or you may need to start slower, holding hands and cuddling and working to restore intimacy.

A marriage counselor might help you identify the issues that are interfering with your sex life. Some studies show that problems at work can lead to a loss of interest in sex. Unfairness about the division of chores in the home can impact a couple’s sex life. A medical checkup might also be in order—a number of health issues ranging from heart disease, depression, diabetes, menopause, and medication side effects, among others, can take a toll on your sex life. Couples retreats are another way for couples to work on their sex lives.

In a study of sixty-five couples who had been married an average of twenty-four years, sex therapist Linda Banner discovered a simple but effective solution. For two out of three couples, the use of educational sex videos was enough to recharge their sex lives.

Over time, regular sex can improve your mood, make you more patient, damp down anger, and lead to a better, more contented relationship.

THE LESSON: Forget the lesson. Put down this book and go have sex with your husband or wife.

For Better by Tara Parker-Pope

And, when you are back from your “connection” with your spouse, write to me below in the “reply” section your thoughts on this info above…


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